Autumn In New York (2000)

Starring: Winona Ryder, Richard Gere, Anthony LaPaglia

Director: Joan Chen

Thoughts On Autumn In New York

1. Utter tear-inducing, female leaning crap.
2. Wait, Joan Chen from Twin Peaks directed this. How?
3. How does Richard Gere run a restaurant yet seemingly have unlimited free time? The restaurant business is difficult and time consuming.
4. Glad to see Winona Ryder is seemingly done with the whole acting think.
5. Cool to see semi-younger JK Simmons and Vera Farmiga. Oh, and yes a semi-younger Elaine Stritch! She's one of the few highlights of 30 Rock

Rating: 3

Rating Breakdown

3 points - I'm really into Twin Peaks right now. Giving Joan Chen a break.

The Kids Are All Right (2010)

Starring: Annette Bening, Julianne Moore, Mark Ruffalo

Director: Lisa Cholodenko

Thoughts On The Kids Are All Right

*****SPOILER ALERT***

1. Solid movie that has no right to be a Best Picture nominee. The 10 nominee rule is just awful.
2. Hated the relationship between Julianne Moore and Mark Ruffalo. I know the temptation is always there when dealing with homosexuality in a narrative but some homosexuals are you know, actually homosexual.
3. For the record, Julianne Moore in a sex scene is always great.
4. Mark Ruffalo always brings the goods. Very happy about his nom.

Rating: 7

Rating Breakdown

7 points - I can't be funny when the movie is actually good!

Fast Five (2011)

Starring: Vin Diesel, Paul Walker, Jordana Brewster

Director: Justin Lin

Thoughts On Fast Five

1. Unapologetic over the top thrill ride that never once parodies the genre or franchise.
2. Pure weekend getaway fun. Leave all pretentiousness at home.
3. Vin Diesel is fine in his role but his thinly veiled allusions to his grander schemes get old. See the movie and you'll know what I'm referring to.
4. In the last installment I found it humorous how Vin Diesel and Paul Walker were both humbled after their careers fizzled out and they returned to the franchise. After rolling in stacks of money there is no more humbling to be had.
5. Oh yeah, I almost forgot...the friggin Rock is in this.
6. But seriously, the Rock does in fact inject new lifeblood into the franchise as the Diesel vs. Rock showdown is nicely built up.
7. I'm on Team Bring It.

Rating: 7

Rating Breakdown

4 points- I smell what Dwayne is cookin'

3 points - Physics defied.

Water For Elephants (2011)

Starring: Reese Witherspoon, Robert Pattinson, Christoph Waltz

Director: Francis Lawrence

Thoughts On Water For Elephants

1. Seemingly fine movie but when the focal point becomes a romance between two leads with no romantic chemistry then we suddenly have a problem.
2. Between this and Remember Me, at what point do I start feeling bad for Pattinson?
3. Oh wait, I don't. He's rich and famous.
4. Christoph Waltz once again brings the goods yet I constantly expected him to start hunting jews at any given moment.
5. Overall more than I expected. It also looked pretty. Refined commentary coming at you.

Rating: 5

Rating Breakdown

2 points - I just don't like Reese Witherschpinzen yet at the same time I kind of do.

3 points - I like circuses...is what Sam would say to defend really liking this movie.

Hanna (2011)

Starring: Saoirse Ronan, Eric Bana, Cate Blanchett

Director: Joe Wright

Thoughts On Hanna

1. Contains every element of an action thriller and executes every element exceedingly well.
2. Saoirse Ronan is wise beyond her years and convincingly pulls off elaborate action/fight sequences.
3. Interesting choice of Joe Wright directing this as this genre is not his forte. Clearly his contributions are massive as he procures great performances from all his actors; especially Cate Blanchett.
4. The Chemical Brothers soundtrack is just better than anything any of us will ever make. Ever.
5. Whoever that little English girl was; great stuff.

Rating: 8

Rating Breakdown

4 points - a kick ass 16 year old girl for the pedophile, sadomasochist in all of us!

2 points - ima buy the soundtrack

2 points - the ending. no spoilers.

Insidious (2011)

Starring: Patrick Wilson, Rose Byrne, Barbara Hershey

Director: James Wan

Thoughts On Insidious

1. Decent concept helmed by an experienced writer/director combo that ultimately just never enters the realm of great horror.
2. Bad acting, also a lot of bad acting.
3. Barbara Hershey?
4. The PG-13 rating really bogs down a lot of the film as James Wan of Saw fame clearly can do a lot more with an R rating.
5. The "further" element kind of makes the movie lose all it's steam.
6. Despite it's setbacks, Wan and Whannell still can pack in the scares and suspense.

Rating: 5

Rating Breakdown

5 points - I jumped a few times. Also bonus points because I just feel bad for Patrick Wilson.

Lottery Ticket (2010)

Starring: Bow Wow, Brandon T. Jackson, Naturi Naughton

Director: Erik White

Thoughts On Lottery Ticket

1. A movie clearly not targeted at my demographic that actually works and is enjoyable.
2. Quite an eclectic cast of a former child rapper, the satyr from Percy Jackson/ Alpa Chino, a former member of 3LW and CHARLIE MURPHY!
3. Question: Are these types of movies supposed to discourage stereotypes or applaud them? I often think the latter.
4. CHARLIE MURPHY
5. I really hope it was just makeup because damn Ice Cube looks old.

Rating: 6

Rating Breakdown

3 points - goofy "black" comedy that doesn't take the First Sunday route of being too goofy or the Roscoe Jenkins route of being not funny.

3 points - Where the white people at?

Black Dynamite (2009)

Starring: Michael Jai White, Salli Richardson, Arsenio Hall

Director: Scott Sanders

Thoughts On Black Dynamite

1. Holy jive talking eff, this movie was unbelievably hilarious.
2. I really don't have anything else to say as I'm pissing my pants laughing just trying to think of things to say about Black Dynamite
3. "Orphans have no parents."
4. I'm writing this review as a pure fan. I can't be critical of anything in it.

Rating: 9

Rating Breakdown

9 points - I was debating distributing a 10 for this film. I didn't but I may come back and revise this. Oh my god, I laughed so hard for the entire 80 minute duration.

Source Code (2011)

Starring: Jake Gyllenhaal, Michelle Monaghan, Vera Farmiga

Director: Duncan Jones

Thoughts on Source Code

1. Wonderful piece of work and a shining example of how a techno-thriller should be done.
2. Follows basic Hollywood principles but Duncan Jones puts enough of a stamp on it to make the film slightly off the beaten path.
3. Does contain saccharine elements but these elements work in the greater context.
4. I love Michelle Monaghan but she seemingly gets lost in the shuffle performance wise.
5. Jeffrey Wright kills it as always.
6. Figuring out who is the bomber is quite easy yet that really is not the focus of the story despite it being the driving force of the plot.
7. Please note: I am in no way biased in my reviews despite David Bowie's son being the director.
8. Moral of the story: Cherish humanity. No spoiler alert necessary because heck, we already know this.

Rating: 8

Rating Breakdown

4 points - keeping a repeating 8 minutes interesting

2 points - performances (even including Jake Guggenheim)

2 points - realization that I would totally give up life just to hook up with Michelle Monaghan

Limitless (2011)

Starring: Bradley Cooper, Abbie Cornish, Robert De Niro

Director: Neil Burger

Thoughts On Limitless

**********SPOILER ALERT**********

1. Generic thriller that could be decent but fails to take such a route.
2. Burger attempts to make a David Fincher - type movie with a script that perhaps I could of wrote. Yes, I write crappy scripts. Hey, I'm trying.
3. Too much of the film involved the terrible side effects of this miracle drug. We don't want that! We wan't to see more of Bradley Cooper getting rich and famous!
4. I am half convinced Robert De Niro doesn't even know the plot of the movies he is in anymore. He just gets the lines, shows up and gets paid.
5. So this guy has an unbelievable miracle drug that other people will literally kill him to get their hands on...and he starts letting his sister's ex husband who he hasn't seen in years use it? What a nice guy.
6. Moral of the story: Do drugs. No seriously, Bradley Cooper's character beats the system and continues using drugs. No, seriously.

Rating: 5

Rating Breakdown

5 points - Thrillers generally get high marks from me but so much of this thriller ruined any good aspects it had.

Hop (2011)

Starring: James Marsden, Russell Brand, Kaley Cuoco

Director: Tim Hill

Thoughts On Hop

1. During this film I began feeling ill. Upon the film's conclusion I went home and would remain sick for several days before admitting myself to a hospital. I was then diagnosed with malaria.
2. This movie will give you malaria.
3. On a lighter note, James Marsden overachieves in every shitty role he's given.

Rating: 5

Rating Breakdown

3 points - kids will like it.

2 points - malaria is very treatable these days.

The 6th Day (2000)

Starring: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Michael Rapaport, Tony Goldwyn

Director: Roger Spottiswoode

Thoughts On The 6th Day

1. Mindless, crappy sci-fi action that remains wholly unoffensive.
2. Arnold received a $25 million payday for this phone in. It pays to take steroids kids.
3. Warning: In the future, kid's toys become really, really creepy.
4. Warning: Cloning not only goes against the will of god but also allows for greedy, manipulative people to do a lot of illegal things.
5. Cloning can be done for morally conflicting good things. See: Robert Duvall

Rating: 4

Rating Breakdown

4 points - At what point do we just accept Arnold having a thick accent amongst a regular suburban family?

Arthur (1981)

Starring: Dudley Moore, Liza Minnelli, John Gielgud
Director: Steven Gordon

Thoughts On Arthur

1. I admittedly only watched this to compare/contrast to the 2011 update. Man, this version is better by leaps and bounds.
2. Dudley Moore does a fantastic job playing an utter yet lovable drunk.
3. Liza Minnelli was an actress? I always thought she was just some random bat shit insane woman.
4. Gielgud owned this role. He won an Oscar for it? Oh, well that makes sense.
5. It's quite sad how much more PC everything has to be today.
6. Speaking of: Dudley Moore driving an open top Rolls Royce down the FDR Drive while swigging alcohol = Classic.

Rating: 10
Rating Breakdown
10 points - Did I really just give out 10 points. Well, when you add a great plot, funny yet intriguing characters, great performances and developments that don't in anyway insult the audiences intelligence you get a 10! Ok, maybe it's not that easy.

Arthur (2011)

Starring: Russell Brand, Helen Mirren, Jennifer Garner
Director: Jason Winer

Thoughts On Arthur

1. Cookie cutter comedy, but I was laughing. That's the point I suppose.
2. Not buying Russell Brand as a leading man but he came off rather likable so what do I know?
3. Russell Brand also goes home at night to Katy Perry. Once again, what do I know?
4. Why is Jennifer Garner still working?
5. The jokes are often just slightly off of generic but they do often hit.
   
6. Moral of the story: If you have essentially unlimited money, you can party all you want then meet the right girl and get her also.

Rating: 6
Rating Breakdown
2 points - Brand
4 points - New, ultra expensive date ideas.

Your Highness (2011)

Starring: Danny McBride, James Franco, Natalie Portman
Director: David Gordon Green

Thoughts On Your Highness

1. Jesus eff, I wanted nothing more than to love every second of this movie but jesus eff this was bad.
2. Danny McBride is great in every OTHER thing I see him in. I last saw him in an episode of Eastbound And Down. Catch my drift?
3. The whole cursing in medieval dialogue was funny the first 4 times they did it.
4. Natalie Portman is a funny here as she was in her Broadway performance of The Diary Of Anne Frank.
5. Courtney was the single most wasted character throughout the film's duration.
6. Why was Zooey Deschanel in this? Could of saved a couple bucks on that casting move. I mean, I'm not complaining or anything, but why?

Rating: 4
Rating Breakdown
2 points - the iguana
2 points - god, I wanted to give this movie so many more points.

From Paris With Love (2010)

Starring: John Travolta, Jonathan Rhys Meyers, Kasia Smutniak
Director: Pierre Morel

1. So here's my re-imagining of John Travolta's agent making phone calls to potential producers: "Hey, so Johnny shaved his head and worked on a character for 'Pelham 123' and he doesn't want to let his hard work go to waste. You working on any movie needing a bald, fast-talking bad-ass? You do? Oh, this is great. Let's talk about it over lunch."
2. All in all a fun, cookie cutter thriller

Rating: 6
Rating Breakdown
6 points - All in all a fun, cookie cutter thriller

The Chaperone (2011)

Starring: Triple H, Yeardley Smith, Ariel Winter
Director: Stephen Herek


Thoughts On The Chaperone

1. Another WWE release I have to crap on. Sorry Vince.
2. Almost worth the price of admission for Triple H's fake beard.
3. Ariel Winter is on one of the hottest TV shows and THIS is what her agent thought would be a good break into film?
4. Kevin Corrigan and Kevin Rankin are major mark outs, but once again: this movie, really?
5. Scene Analysis: Triple H crumpling a plastic straw in front of a frightened child - really?
6. In an interview, Triple H stated how he "liked the script." Really?
7. This has been Really? with Mike@Movies.

Rating: 3
Rating Breakdown
1 point - H
1 point - H
1 point - H

Drive Angry (2011)

Starring: Nicolas Cage, Amber Heard
Director: Patrick Lussier

Thoughts On Drive Angry

1. Yes, yes, yes. Almost a 10 until actual in depth back story kicks in.
   
2. Nicolas Cage's life is in a tailspin and we all reap the benefits from these ludicrous roles.
3. The Nic Cage sex and gun fight scene may be the greatest thing I have ever seen in my life. And yes, I have seen Akeelah and the Bee.
4. William Fichtner could become the new Walken.
5. Generic Amber Heard is hot comment.
6. I am officially convinced Cage is in on the joke.

Rating: 7
Rating Breakdown
7 points - I wanted to give this 4 million points (A Mike@Movies record!) but do realize its flaws.

Take Me Home Tonight (2011)

Starring: Topher Grace, Anna Faris, Dan Fogler
Director: Michael Dowse

Thoughts On Take Me Home Tonight

1. Every time I saw the commercial featuring Topher Grace gazing amidst a crowded party with "Take Me Home Tonight," I knew I would love this movie.
2. It was legit good. I want to rate it a 9 but am exercising self control.
3. I still don't like Topher Grace.
4. I still love Dan Fogler more than I should.
5. What year did going down hills in giant scrap metal balls go out of style? We need this to make a comeback. ASAP.
6. Anna Faris engagement subplot was kind of dumb.

Rating: 7
Rating Breakdown
2 points - always a fan of comedic cocaine use in movies.
2 points - always a fan of comedic cocaine fueled dance offs in movies.
2 points - always a fan of comedic cocaine fueled bathroom sex with onlookers present in movies
1 point - alcohol

Beastly (2011)

Starring: Vanessa Hudgens, Alex Pettyfer
Director: Daniel Barnz

Thoughts On Beastly

1. You've got to be effing kidding me with this nonsense.
2. I went to an all boys high school so forgive me if I sound clueless, but do most high schools have a creepy girl with a face tattoo who is basically accepted as a witch?
3. I get the whole turn the guy ugly thing but do we really need to combine veins, tattoos and metal all on one face?
4. Alex Pettyfer ugly is still better looking than me on my best day. Sad story.
5. TRANSATLANTICISM FTW!
6. NPH - c'mon now.

Rating: 3
Rating Breakdown
2 points - I want to go to that high school. Minus the Olsen spells.
1 point - I learned to be less shallow and see inner beauty. Point Beastly.

Hall Pass (2011)

Starring: Owen Wilson, Jason Sudeikis, Stephan Merchant
Director: Bobby & Peter Farrelly

Thoughts On Hall Pass

1. Funnier than anyone could have possibly anticipated.
2. It seems recent Farrelly movies just throw schtuff to a wall. I guess eventually something has to stick.
3. Sudeikis may be breakout SNL star potential.
4. "Fake Chow" needs to enter society's lexicon.
5. During one scene I thought to myself "Man, Owen Wilson has great comedic timing." I then remembered he used to star in brilliant films.
6. I love Pam Beasley more than anyone but her film career most likely ain't happenin'

Rating: 7
Rating Breakdown
4 points- I need to use the chloroform pick-up line
3 points - I love crude comedies way too much.

Rango (2011)

Starring: Johnny Depp, Isla Fisher, Abigail Breslin
Director: Gore Verbinski

Thoughts On Rango

1. Brilliant kids film. Perhaps too brilliant for kids to understand.
2. Johnny Depp seriously can do no wrong. Ok, I haven't seen The Tourist or the last 2 Pirates movies so the statement stands.
3. Could perhaps win the animated Oscar as Pixar is putting out Cars 2 this year.

Rating: 8
Rating Breakdown
8 points - Fun for the whole family!

Exit Through The Gift Shop (2010)

Director: Banksy

Thoughts On Exit Through The Gift Shop

1. I loved everything about this doc. Even the notion that it could be a hoax.
2. Mr. Brainwash conning hipsters? Someone has a new personal hero.
3. While watching this, I thought "Hey, maybe I should start getting more interested in street art." Then I realized I have so many wrestling dvds that still need to be watched. Fin.

Rating: 8
Rating Breakdown
2 points - Who knew that the Andre the Giant artist and the Obamicon artist are the same person? I do now.
2 points - Banksy hijinks
4 points - I hate hipsters.

No Strings Attached (2011)

Starring: Natalie Portman, Ashton Kutcher
Director: Ivan Reitman

Thoughts On No Strings Attached

1. Can friends with benefits actually work?
2. *****SPOILER ALERT************************NO
3. The film was better than it had any right to be but I just can't get behind rooting for two beautiful people to be happy.
4. I feel Ludacris is making the very difficult transition from a man bragging about his Cadillac grills to an average guy friend.
5. Needs more Mindy Kaling. Everything in life needs more Mindy Kaling.
6. Dear everyone in Hollywood, Stop trying to be Judd Apatow.
7. Kevin Kline FTW.

Rating: 7
Rating Breakdown
7 points - I just gave an Ashton Kutcher movie 7 points. Where is my life headed?

Legion (2010)

Starring: Paul Bettany, Lucas Black, Tyrese Gibson
Director: Scott Stewart

Thoughts On Legion

1. If this was meant to be a joke, then wow. If this was meant to be serious, then wow.
2. Paul Bettany may have starred in a shitty movie but he goes home to Jennifer Connelly. Still winning.
3. Should of gone more campy or more serious. Straddles the line too much.

Rating: 6
Rating Breakdown
2 points - demon old lay
2 points - demon ice cream man
2 points - human Dennis Quaid

I Am Number Four (2011)

Starring: Alex Pettyfer, Timothy Olyphant, Dianna Agron
Director: D.J. Caruso

Thoughts On I Am Number Four

1. Teen book adaptation fail.
2. Thank you Olyphant. For everything.

Rating: 3
Rating Breakdown
3 points - Unenjoy.

Unkown (2011)

Starring: Liam Neeson, Diane Kruger, January Jones
Director: Jaume Collet- Serra

Thoughts On Unkown

*********SPOILER ALERT**************

1. Not very good but overall unoffensive
2. As the fight scenes began, I thought to myself: "Man, Liam Neeson sure can fight considering he's a college professor." I guess I figured it all out.
3. Someone needs to train Diane Kruger on accents and maintaining one.
4. I love Mad Men yet anytime I see January Jones I cringe.
5. Whenever I see a trailer with a neat premise which can not be explained through simple logic, I assume the reveal will be lame. Despite not being a great movie, Unkown's reveal was actually rather good.

Rating: 5
Rating Breakdown
5 points - I still think Liam Neeson is a complete bad ass 1 year after Taken

Just Go With It (2011)

Starring: Adam Sandler, Jennifer Aniston, Brooklyn Decker
Director: Dennis Dugan

Thoughts On Just Go With It

1. At what point did Adam Sandler realize he's behind the times in comedy?
2. Follow up: After Adam Sandler realized he's lagging behind, at what point did he just stop caring?
3. The point: I want to love Adam Sandler movies more than any one else, but it seems he's just stopped trying.
4. The entire premise hinges on a burgeoning relationship between Sandler and Decker. Between the two of them, there's less chemistry than a special ed science class.
5. Do Nicole Kidman and Jennifer Aniston realize they're not all that funny?
6. Wow, Dave Matthews was actually funny! In his role he just had so much to say.
7. Kevin Nealon - keep bringing the ridiculous goods.

Rating: 5
5 points - I can never be too mean to a Sandler movie.

World's Greatest Dad (2009)

Starring: Robin Williams, Daryl Sabara, Alexie Gilmore
Director: Bobcat Goldthwait

Thoughts On World's Greatest Dad

1. THIS is how you do dark comedy.
2. Who knew Bobcat Goldthwait brings the goods as a director. I always thought he was just some comedian who inexplicably dated beautiful women.
3. When an actor goes from Spy Kids to auto-erotic asphyxiation, one may want to take a hard look in the mirror.
4. Brilliant ending. Simple, perfectly climactic and brilliant.
5. Yay for a good indie.
6. I want to feel bad that Robin Williams is no longer a box office draw, but yeah I don't feel bad at all.

Rating: 8
Rating Breakdown
3 points - pure high school perversion
3 points - Robin Williams showing acting chops without a beard!
2 points - Yay for a good indie

Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World (2010)

Starring: Michael Cera, Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Kieran Culkin
Director: Edgar Wright

Thoughts On Scott Pilgrim Vs. The World

1. I thoroughly enjoyed it, but absolutely understand every complaint everyone has against it.
2. Fun albeit pointlessly arduous script.
3. The comic book touches were fine yet sometimes annoying.
4. Kieran Culkin should be in more movies.
5. Aubrey Plaza is on the verge of blowing up. You heard it here first.
6. Once again, the Michael Cera One Note Gravy Train should be running out any day now. I'd be lying if I said I'm not a fan though.

Rating: 7
Rating Breakdown
2 points - For Brandon Routh, simply because I feel bad.
4 points - irreverent fun
1 point- just because.

A Single Man (2009)

Starring: Colin Firth, Julianne Moore, Matthew Goode
Director: Tom Ford

Thoughts On A Single Man

1. Fabulous from beginning to end.
2. My use of the word fabulous in no way a reference to the gay protagonist. Sorry gay community.
3. Even when playing a miserable drunk, Julianne Moore is simply stunning.
4. Colin Firth should of won the Oscar for this. God damn Hollywood politics.

Rating: 8
Rating Breakdown
8 points - Once again, for actual good movies, I simply have no jokes.

Cats & Dogs: The Revenge Of Kitty Galore

Starring: James Marsden, Nick Nolte, Christina Applegate
Director: Brad Peyton

Thoughts On Cats & Dogs: The Revenge Of Kitty Galore

1. An additional installment to a film no one cared about 9 years ago.
2. Speaking of making people wait for something they don't care about in the first place...
3. A Mike@Movies first. Check back in 2020 for a more in depth review!

Rating: 3
Rating Breakdown
3 points - Jack MacBrayer

Jonah Hex (2010)

Starring: Josh Brolin, John Malkovich, Megan Fox
Director: Jimmy Hayward

Thoughts On Jonah Hex

1. Comic movies when done bad can apparently be quite bad.
2. Hey it was only 80 minutes. Winning.
3. Megan Fox, thank you for starring in this film. Your role seemed vital in the commercial at least.
4. Mark Out: Cedric Daniels!
5. Way to bring in a crappy looking U.S. Grant because the time a fictional ghost whispering deformed outlaw saved this country should be legitimized as much as possible.

Rating: 4
Rating Breakdown
4 points - Shitty action movie that's only 80 minutes...not too shabby.

Winter's Bone (2010)

Starring: Jennifer Lawrence, John Hawkes, Lauren Sweetser
Director: Debra Granik

Thoughts On Winter's Bone

1. Solid.
2. Solid, but would have never been nominated for Best Picture during the five nominees era.
3. I Google imaged Jennifer Lawrence. My word. Did she deserve a Best Actress nominee? Probably not. Will I complain? No.

Rating: 8
Rating Breakdown
4 points - Search her yourself. Trust me.
4 points - I feel like my posts about bad movies are way more fun.

Oceans (2010)

Narrated By: Pierce Brosnan
Directors: Jacques Perrin, Jacques Cluzaud

Thoughts On Oceans

1. It's a doc about oceans. I get it.
2. Nothing wrong with 007 narration.
3. They of course had to throw in a dash of global warming.

Rating: 5
Rating Breakdown
5 points - Sam loves animals.

The Spy Next Door (2010)

Starring: Jackie Chan, Amber Valletta, Billy Ray Cyrus
Director: Brian Levant

Thoughts On The Spy Next Door

1. Schlock for children.
2. When I think cold-blooded CIA agents, I think Billy Ray Cyrus and George Lopez.
3. I get how kids are supposed to not like the mom's boyfriend but at what point does the audience say "Man, these kids are just douche bags."
4. I'm no evil villain, but if one man and three children were stopping me from becoming rich beyond my wildest dreams, chances are I'd hire a lot of effing artillery.
5. Hey, this is a kids movie. No need for random father abandonment storylines.

Rating: 3
Rating Breakdown
3 points - At least Jackie Chan got the hot mom.

The Reader (2008)

Starring: Kate Winslet, David Kross, Ralph Fiennes
Director: Stephen Daldry

Thoughts On The Reader

1. I guess I didn't get the memo about this being the undeserving Oscar nominee.
2. Wonderful for every minute of its duration.
3. Kate Winslet is great as always but should of won for Little Children
4. Pet Peeve Alert: English speaking with German accents.
5. Did anyone really have to guess she couldn't read? Seriously.
   

Rating: 8
Rating Breakdown
4 points - Ms. Winslet
4 points - Ms. Winslet's incessant rocking of the cradle.

Doubt (2008)

Starring: Meryl Streep, Philip Seymour Hoffman, Amy Adams
Director: John Patrick Shanley

Thoughts On Doubt

1. Fine movie, probably a better play.
2. PSH FTW AFD.
3. Amy Adams still does nothing for me.

Rating: 6
Rating Breakdown
6 points - Daring performances...like I would know.

Big Fan (2009)

Starring: Patton Oswalt, Kevin Corrigan, Michael Rapaport
Director: Robert D. Siegel

Thoughts On Big Fan

1. Dark comedy done moderately well.
2. Oswalt and Corrigan perform excellently in their lead roles.
3. Loved the Oswalt radio call ins. Well done.
4. I'm only rating it a 6 but won't say anything bad as Robert D. Siegel wrote The Wrestler. Lifetime pass from me.

Rating: 6
Rating Breakdown
6 points - Ram Jam.

New York, I Love You (2009)

Starring: Bradley Cooper, Hayden Christensen, Natalie Portman
Directors: Various

Thoughts On New York, I Love You

1. Ambitious, but ultimately uninspiring
2. Natalie Portman, you're not that talented
3. Oscar win or not, I stand by my assessment.
4. The Brett Ratner short was indeed great.

Rating: 5
Rating Breakdown
2 points - Is it sad I can't even tell who Hayden Christensen is outside of Star Wars
3 points - Also props for Leachman/Wallach

An American Carol (2008)

Starring: Kevin Farley, Kelsey Grammer, Jon Voight
Director: David Zucker

Thoughts On An American Carol

1. I want a movie like this to be awesome, but it just fails on every level.
   
2. I love you Zucker but c'mon.
3. Further proof that Dennis Miller is the only funny conservative.
4. Leslie Nielsen, you will be sorely missed.
5. Hey, at least some of the points made are decent.

Rating:2
Rating Breakdown
2 points- You know it's bad when a Zucker comedy gets 2 points

The Mechanic (2011)

Starring: Jason Statham, Ben Foster
Director: Simon West

Thoughts On The Mechanic

1. First 2011 movie!
2. Any critic who attempts to seriously critique and analyze a Jason Statham vehicle should absolutely kill themselves.
3. I will say this for the 7 thousandth time. Ben Foster is the most underrated actor in Hollywood. Even in a generic role as this, he shines.
4. We may see these for hire killers as ruthless killers, but clearly from Statham's record collection, they're gentle inside

Rating: 6
Rating Breakdown
2 points - action
2 points - sex
2 points - insert generic male movie element here

Prince Of Persia: The Sands Of Time (2010)

Starring: Jake Gyllenhaal, Ben Kingsley, Gemma Arterton
Director: Mike Newell

Thoughts On Prince Of Persia: The Sands Of Time

1. Jerry Bruckheimer boasted this as the next Pirates level franchise. What the eff is he smoking?
2. Not only was this crap, but almost 2 and a half hours of crap.
3. Warning, cliche blockbuster twist. (Spoiler alert)
4. John Guggenheim is no franchise leading man.

Rating: 3
Rating Breakdown
3 points - they put a lot of money into this. here's 3 points.

The African Queen (1952)

Starring: Humphrey Bogart, Katharine Hepburn, Robert Morley
Director: John Huston

Thoughts On The African Queen

1. What could I possibly say about a Hollywood classic?
2. Well, I'll try...
3. I liked it, but it has not aged well.
4. Bogie is a legendary leading man, but comes off too goofy in this one
5. Hepburn doesn't do anything for me. I mean in terms of acting prowess.

Rating: 6
Rating Breakdown
6 points - John Huston made it better than it should have been.

The Runaways (2010)

Starring: Dakota Fanning, Kristen Stewart, Stella Maeve
Director: Floria Sigismondi

Thoughts On The Runaways

1. Could of been great. Could of been.
2. Neither Kristen Stewart nor Dakota Fanning are ready for leading roles in serious films.
3. Read: Twilight is NOT a serious film.
4. Read: Adventureland did rule, but she had a lot of help.
5. Michael Shannon needs to get more work. He deserves it.
6. The story of The Runaways just isn't that interesting. Sex, drugs, we get it. Crap. "Sex, drugs, we get it" should of been thought 1. Clever line, Mike.
   
7. I really doubt when movies portray the utter spontaneity of genius rising from choas. See: the origin of "Cherry Bomb."

Rating: 5
Rating Breakdown
3 points - Dakota, you are growing up so fast.
2 points - Fine for a band doc.

Greenberg (2010)

Starring: Ben Stiller, Greta Gerwig, Rhys Ifans
Director: Noah Baumbach

Thoughts On Greenberg

1. I loved this movie so much but am certainly biased so heed not to the recommendations of this post. Hey, you might want to see it.
2. I love you Noah, but keep your wife separate from your work.
3. Ben Stiller performing oral sex on a female just looks very awkward.

Rating: 7
Rating Breakdown
7 points - The Squid And The Whale gives Baumbach almost a lifetime pass

Crazy Heart (2009)

Starring: Jeff Bridges, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Colin Farrell
Director: Scott Cooper

Thoughts On Crazy Heart

1. Hmmmmmm, it was good.
2. Not a huge country music fan, so I am hesitant to love this film.
3. Did Jeff Bridges really deserve an Oscar for this?
4. Disclaimer: Jeff Bridges is an amazing actor.
5. Loved Colin Farrell and his role in the movie.

Rating: 6
Rating Breakdown
6 points - it was fine.

Percy Jackson And The Olympians: The Lightning Thief (2010)

Starring: Logan Lerman, Brandon T. Jackson, Alexandra Daddario
Director: Chris Columbus

1. I didn't like it, but it's for tweens. I can dig.
2. Watch out parents, Chris Columbus is just putting his hands in all your children's pockets.
3. First Pierce Brosnan sings, then he's a minotaur? What can't this guy do?
4. Apparently casinos serving cookies in Las Vegas are just entirely unsafe. Let's stick to booze and drugs please.
5. Of course they make the black guy your stock "lovin' the ladies" character.

Rating: 5
Rating Breakdown
2 points - Catherine Keener is such an amazing looking older woman
3 points - let's see where this franchise goes.

A Serious Man (2009)

Starring: Michael Stuhlbarg, Richard Kind, Sari Lennick
Director: Joel Coen, Ethan Coen

Thoughts On A Serious Man

1. After how many movies can I no longer say "I don't like the Coen brothers but I liked (insert movie here)."?
2. If you're not following me: Another fantastic Coen brothers effort.
3. Mark-out: Wolowitz!

Rating: 8
Rating Breakdown
8 points - my fake Judaism

Rumor Has It... (2005)

Starring: Jennifer Aniston, Kevin Costner, Shirley MacLaine
Director: Rob Reiner

Thoughts On Rumor Has It...

1. Rumor has it...this movie blows.
2. Where has your directing acumen gone, Meathead?
3. Kevin Costner as a leading man in 2005? To shame.
4. Seems like a fun concept that just never takes off.

Rating:3
Rating Breakdown
3 points - Mark Ruffalo, you're above this.